Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
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Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
me and who
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.