I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
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One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality