I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
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seems fine
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups