I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
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I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee