@Marlebean: I'm "misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist" white.
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@PJTLynch: "Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
@writerPT: It's my mom's personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
@KevinFarzad: When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling "DO NOT FEAR ME" very loudly
@trevso_electric: "Jessica wasn't usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong." -Investigation Discovery