I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?