im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
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I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you