@jonnysun: im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
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@pharmasean: My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
@BruceForce: I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they're hatching some kind of evil plan.
@AnnDabromowitz: When I'm CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."