I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
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[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.