I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Yes, this is exactly right
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
*puts cutlery down*
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.