I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
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*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.