“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
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I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
When I grow up, I want to be 16
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.