“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
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ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Wednesday
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.