I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I created you as mosquito food.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.