There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.