Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.