Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
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Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
That’s it.I’m out.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd