@kissmeimkinky: I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
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@pauleggleston: -Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It's a prank, I don't know what else to call it. -Shenanigan? -Don't you start.
@MattOswaltVA: not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you 'like' all of your high school crush's Facebook photos
@pleatedjeans: [interviewing cave bat] me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down? Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.