Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
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“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.