I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
no
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume