I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Just a bush.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no