My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
You Might Also Like
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
never forget
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers