Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
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Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension