@ParaJanitor: I'm no gynecologist, but I'll take a look.
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@Landon8426: Chess with Australians must get so confusing. "Check, mate." "Naw mate, that's just a check." "That's what I said. Check, mate"
@ColoChiver: When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
@VodkaThursday: My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won't stand for any of that shit
@shadygeekdad: When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.