I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
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Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Great Canadian literature.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Anyone really
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready