I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature