I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.