Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.