I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
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I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”