I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
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*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.