im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Trumpy Cat
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!