I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Yes, but it was never about money
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Got him!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat