I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.