My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.