I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
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Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE