I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
You Might Also Like
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Good Morning.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.