I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Beauty and the Beast
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
how to have an accident 101
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.