I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
S/o to @funTweeters .
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity