@tnylgn: I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
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@martyntanton: My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
@Reverend_Scott: "Charlie, I want a divorce." [in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
@usermcuserface: (Drops) Damn it (Drops) Damn it (Drops) Damn it (Stabs it) (Drops) Damn it - me trying to eat with chopsticks.