@tnylgn: I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
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@Reverend_Scott: SON: I need lunch money. DAD: Get a job. SON: I'm in 5th grade- DAD: All I'm hearin' is excuses.
@jtswhipped: I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said "Classy" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
@Death_Buddy: FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER. PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
@Snarfernini: You're nice, cute & single? Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he'd never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.