You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
You Might Also Like
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.