@weinerdog4life: I'm not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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@sixfootcandy: HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet? (flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits) ME: Yes.
@david8hughes: My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it'd take 2 days to come up with the money.