@weinerdog4life: I'm not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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@Reverend_Scott: HULK WANT LOAN Bank: We can't loan to people like you. GREEN PEOPLE?? *flips table into moon* Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
@lisaxy424: my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo* when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
@GrantTanaka: boss: have u finished that project me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day boss: it’s been a month me: rome wasn’t built in a month boss: me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
@Reverend_Scott: LUKE: daddy, what's my name from? ME: it's from the bible CHEWBACCA: and mine? ME: umm [sweating] also the bible