@weinerdog4life: I'm not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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@BuckyIsotope: BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire ME: wouldn't it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then? BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
@JermHimselfish: The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I'm throwing pebbles at your face.
@CulturedRuffian: For Lent I've decided to give up my New Year's Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
@aveuaskew: Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.