I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
You Might Also Like
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.