I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
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7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me: