I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.