I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Happy weekend !
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself