why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
just pretend nothing happened
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.