@Parentpains: I'm not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.
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@NikiWithIssues: By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
@LetMeStart: [on phone with friend] Friend: Did you just throw up? Me: No, that's the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.