pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
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I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
White parent Vs Arab parents
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.