I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I got soap in my shower beer again.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.