I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
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Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
this has done me in for some reason
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]