based al yankovic
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’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.