I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
You Might Also Like
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: