“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
✌️
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall