I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
This a good idea