We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
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I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Modded the new Gran Turismo
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”