I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
This is a true ally.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?