I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.