“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
ATMs should have breathalyzers