Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
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Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no