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‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.